entry(21): mad girl's note

First off, you do not get to tell me what to do, nonetheless what to feel, to think and how to love. I frankly tell you everything with confidence because I am as fixed as a compass pointing to North Star. If you find me impulsive do not worry, that is a temporary thing. If you get scared of what I can give then you can always tell me politely. But do not tell me what to do, think and feel – more so, do not tell me about these things if I have not done them yet.

Simple things and yet you have successfully complicate them. I can read you and you are scared as shit as me. I told you plainly I am scared, why can’t you just tell me the same? Must you hurt my pride firsthand by warning me not to be madly in love with you? Or warn me again about the classic phrase Amores Perros. I know that, trust me I know that. You have hurt me really. So maybe you don’t comprehend me. Let me simplify then.

I am in love with you but I know my place.

Even if I love like hell I know my place.

I love like this because I respect life and I know that I never love the same person same as I love the past lovers.

Love is too broad to comprehend.

But I always love like hell no matter what the risk, and right now I’m burning.

Now is this the price of love?

I show how I feel. If I want to kiss as if it will be the last time to taste you I do as I please.

I am in love with you and I know how to show it just fine; just enough so as to not scare you, but again tell me if it gets too high.

Now I am the one in doubt.

And again you really scare the shit out of me.

Do you love me enough to be with me?

To at least commit with me.

I think that what scares you is your past.

I know I can’t tell you to forget them, but can you at least remember that I am nothing but your new clean slate?

What makes you think you do not deserve a tabularaza?

And I hate to beg, of all the things I hate to beg.

I do not ask you to do anything but accept it that we are in love.

Do you even deserve me?

Next to being rejected, I hate to beg.

AND IF THERE’S ONE THING I HATE ABOUT PROPHECY, IT IS SELF FULFILLING PHROPHECY.

entry(20): poetic impulse

I’m gonna let you loose before I even tie you up. It is indeed a question of wanting you and wanting me back in return. It falls under the categories that they have built; are you in? I bet not.

Therefore, as clearly stated earlier: I’m gonna let you loose before I even tie you up.

These days bring me nothing but blank thoughts, pitch blue night sky, a glowing moon adorned by stars and a bothered heart. A phase of transition to disposition my feelings, whether I love you or preparing to love you yet. Ah, but the misery of it all. We ended in acknowledging it and we live normally again. So I live normally again; and would fake that we never existed. Back to the very start; I didn’t know you then and I’m nothing but a stranger to you.

entry (19): feels like insomnia

You just don’t stop. It’s not even an option.

If you want to live free and gay then you got to survive in this city of provocation.

Act deaf whenever your mom tells you to come back and get your freaking masters. Play it cool when your brother says he wants you there for his birthday (plus all those potential lesbians he has reserved for you…yum yum).

Whatever happens know you’re having fun with the challenge.

And what happened to you now after that infamous day? October 19 of 2009, you got fired/terminated (whatever comes to term but “fired” is easier and more like it). First failure you consider to exist in your life’s record. Ah, there goes the problem with you straight A student; finished school without a scratch. While everybody was cheering you, yes those positivists, telling you it is not even considered a failure; that you just fell short, you were just in the wrong time and thus not making it. But you know you hate euphemisms, and you’ve always been too hard for yourself, so no matter how we coat things up you know you did fail. You fail big time.

You went to Cebu – or rephrase that – they got you, traveled you here three weeks after you’ve graduated and pimp you good. Oh yes, they certainly know how to pimp you good. But they changed something in you after five months and a half; just a tiny fabric in your system that you thought you can never have.

See the old you wouldn’t even care less. You always don’t care (not in a bad way) of what happens next because somehow you have always believed in people. You believed in them so much because you knew each one has the accountability to their own actions and that you’ve always been positive towards them. But when you were told to be “assessed” and went in that room and came out of it jobless, you really need to think of what’s going to happen next.

Life baby, it is in front of you and it is waiting for you next move. You are by the way in a foreign land; no daddy and mommy to feed you when you play the role of a bum. No fridge, no unlimited internet, no exclusive bedroom with the disco ball, and no girlfriend (now why do I feel the need to include the last one?). Surprisingly you discovered that you hate to be a bum. You were incredibly restless that you haven’t even given it a day’s rest. You still got cash and mom is calling you to come back but you knew you’d just be spoilt (not to mention forced to act straight). So you declined the offer. Call it your decision to really be independent. So on with your resume and off with your appetite. Yes, for a week you can’t even force yourself to eat and in return have successfully morphed into a Marlboro puffing dragon. It got you a little thinner though. You have grown conscious about how you spend your money, how to manage your time and how to appreciate the early morning sun. Cut the drama; you have grown (as icky as it sounds) maturely (oh f**k kill me).

And it kills you because you are contradicting yourself. You always want to prove people wrong. Jhunjai assessed you as someone who never quit and you just wanted badly to prove him wrong. You just wanted to quit. Yet you didn’t. You proved him right (and now you just want to bitch slap him as an endearment). No offense, you know you like the effin guy (even though you know you’re more of a man than him).

So you live. You got two companies running after you and have signed in with the first one that offered you a contract. You are living independently in Cebu with the leisure of being yourself. Now you just need to bring closure to that particular day; you breathe and you write about it (perfectly knowing that you always pour things out in words). Now it’s done with. Put it in your life’s treasury, lock it and label it as “PAST”.

entry (18): love game

How is student right now?

Cut that, she's no longer a student . . she's a call girl now . Constantly working every night in the city of provocation that we'll name "Cebu." And what have bumped into her way so far?

An irreversible addiction to a team leader (TL) that will be known from now on as Lady Gaga - of course CG (that's for call girl, or yeah Christine Gumz) wouldn't risk blurting LG's (Lady Gaga) real name out here in the web, she might get a memo at work. It's not like her growing habit of tracking LG's schedules are scary : the time she goes out to smoke, her breaks and lunch time, the shape of her face, the way her bangs are shaped in her forehead - CG can go on with this trust me ...

Now aside from the healthy stalker crush developing in CG's system, she also managed to get connected to some people. She has actually found some decent friend, kissed a girl, got drunk, bruised her elbow, got drunk, got to a resort without planning to do so and got harrassed by an American hardbutch - like kill me now...

You sum it all and it seems like CG is actually having a fit at Cebu right now. She's done with her training and is actually trying to survive in the company until December. She's living well, and training well, along with the mother of all harlots (hello Fatz) and the Vortex Dutchess (hello Soulsiz). She's been making days out of nights, in constant motion with the moon but she loosing the touch of Sappho. So CG is not making any poetic crap - for now. Yes it may look like she's just taking calls but she is actually busy. Thus explaining why she's been out of her web networking zone for two months. But then again, trying her best to cope, trying her best ...

And what about that date? That one time CG actually tried to get into the pool of dating - the love game. It was flat irritating. For the first time CG was requested to act and perforn straight. So she did, and she did it w/ empahsiz - pink and flower and oh pink. . Swear CG almost died . Anyhow, time is running, and CG still havent got enough sleep . So for this is the update. And the love game is still off.

entry (17): the freak

You would know this is for you, and by that I would know that we have this common understanding of things unseen.

It is not easy putting things off, yet I left them floating in every corner of my mind. I refer to my "mind" because I do not want to admit that the "beat" is getting faster. I may not be sure of everything but I know there is something between us. So let me be brave in my own comfort zone, in which I tend to write everything that cannot be delivered by word. Maybe I will find myself brave enough someday. Or maybe it is not a matter of being bold; maybe it is for the simple fact that I think, I think I do not know how to love (or even any sentiments related to it) anymore. We would end up like trash. I would rather not risk what little we have of today, for something that both of us cannot commit to in the future. But here you must know, and you should, that I think I like you.

It took me a while to register that, and "no" in case you say to yourself that you have been right all along. No I did not notice you then. No I did not even bother to know you. The truth is that, I do not know anything right now. And it scares me because I know that I have been in a situation like this (one way or another). And I know that it will not take long before my heart melts.

entry (16): soliloquy

while it is true that men - and women alike - have the innate and natural fear of the unknown it is worthy to note on the contrary that we also dread the known predictability of our normal life routines; the patterns that we tread in our existence sometimes appear so sequenced - like beads that would become a necklace - and it scares us and so we do crazy stuffs trying to be unpredictable and yet we fail because nowadays being unpredictable is ironically so predictable...

now this is what i become after finishing two novels, overloading myself with movies and yes, trying to paint

entry (15): american beauty

She told you didn't she?

You were chatting there and you said you are going to watch the movie.

She said it is a pretty heavy movie.

You said you can handle two heavy movies for the night. ...

So you start with "American Beauty" and by the end you just want to take back everything you uttered. You get too "dramatic" and you can't leave it to yourself and you IM her through yahoo. As if that's not enough for the night, you rewind the last part and quoted Kevin Spacey; yes you finally decided to just blog about it. You hope the web of the internet would somehow catch a fragment of whatever it is you are feeling right now - which is by the way really hard to define yet you know you feel it. In fact you know you feel it every time you watch a really great film. Going back to the internet, yes you hope that somehow in all this connectedness - through links and tags and everything about newtworking - you can just purge it out there so that it would not feel so heavy. You've finally decided to suspend the other film.

She was right. It is a pretty heavy film.

“…It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst; and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”
- Lester Burnham