entry (19): feels like insomnia

Sometime in October of 2009

You just don’t stop. It’s not even an option.

If you want to live free and gay then you got to survive in this city of provocation.

Act deaf whenever your mom tells you to come back and get your freaking masters. Play it cool when your brother says he wants you there for his birthday (plus all those potential lesbians he has reserved for you…yum yum).

Whatever happens know you’re having fun with the challenge.

And what happened to you now after that infamous day? October 19 of 2009, you got fired/terminated (whatever comes to term but “fired” is easier and more like it). First failure you consider to exist in your life’s record. Ah, there goes the problem with you straight A student; finished school without a scratch. While everybody was cheering you, yes those positivists, telling you it is not even considered a failure; that you just fell short, you were just in the wrong time and thus not making it. But you know you hate euphemisms, and you’ve always been too hard for yourself, so no matter how we coat things up you know you did fail. You fail big time.

You went to Cebu – or rephrase that – they got you, traveled you here three weeks after you’ve graduated and pimp you good. Oh yes, they certainly know how to pimp you good. But they changed something in you after five months and a half; just a tiny fabric in your system that you thought you can never have.

See the old you wouldn’t even care less. You always don’t care (not in a bad way) of what happens next because somehow you have always believed in people. You believed in them so much because you knew each one has the accountability to their own actions and that you’ve always been positive towards them. But when you were told to be “assessed” and went in that room and came out of it jobless, you really need to think of what’s going to happen next.

Life baby, it is in front of you and it is waiting for you next move. You are by the way in a foreign land; no daddy and mommy to feed you when you play the role of a bum. No fridge, no unlimited internet, no exclusive bedroom with the disco ball, and no girlfriend (now why do I feel the need to include the last one?). Surprisingly you discovered that you hate to be a bum. You were incredibly restless that you haven’t even given it a day’s rest. You still got cash and mom is calling you to come back but you knew you’d just be spoilt (not to mention forced to act straight). So you declined the offer. Call it your decision to really be independent. So on with your resume and off with your appetite. Yes, for a week you can’t even force yourself to eat and in return have successfully morphed into a Marlboro puffing dragon. It got you a little thinner though.  You have grown conscious about how you spend your money, how to manage your time and how to appreciate the early morning sun. Cut the drama; you have grown (as icky as it sounds) maturely (oh f**k kill me).

And it kills you because you are contradicting yourself. You always want to prove people wrong. Jhunjai assessed you as someone who never quit and you just wanted badly to prove him wrong. You just wanted to quit. Yet you didn’t. You proved him right (and now you just want to bitch slap him as an endearment). No offense, you know you like the effin guy (even though you know you’re more of a man than him).

So you live. You got two companies running after you and have signed in with the first one that offered you a contract. You are living independently in Cebu with the leisure of being yourself. Now you just need to bring closure to that particular day; you breathe and you write about it (perfectly knowing that you always pour things out in words). Now it’s done with. Put it in your life’s treasury, lock it and label it as “PAST”. 

entry (18): love game

How is student right now?

Cut that, she's no longer a student . . she's a call girl now . Constantly working every night in the city of provocation that we'll name "Cebu." And what have bumped into her way so far?

An irreversible addiction to a team leader (TL) that will be known from now on as Lady Gaga - of course CG (that's for call girl, or yeah Christine Gumz) wouldn't risk blurting LG's (Lady Gaga) real name out here in the web, she might get a memo at work. It's not like her growing habit of tracking LG's schedules are scary : the time she goes out to smoke, her breaks and lunch time, the shape of her face, the way her bangs are shaped in her forehead - CG can go on with this trust me ...

Now aside from the healthy stalker crush developing in CG's system, she also managed to get connected to some people. She has actually found some decent friend, kissed a girl, got drunk, bruised her elbow, got drunk, got to a resort without planning to do so and got harrassed by an American hardbutch - like kill me now...

You sum it all and it seems like CG is actually having a fit at Cebu right now. She's done with her training and is actually trying to survive in the company until December. She's living well, and training well, along with the mother of all harlots (hello Fatz) and the Vortex Dutchess (hello Soulsiz). She's been making days out of nights, in constant motion with the moon but she loosing the touch of Sappho. So CG is not making any poetic crap - for now. Yes it may look like she's just taking calls but she is actually busy. Thus explaining why she's been out of her web networking zone for two months. But then again, trying her best to cope, trying her best ...

And what about that date? That one time CG actually tried to get into the pool of dating - the love game. It was flat irritating. For the first time CG was requested to act and perforn straight. So she did, and she did it w/ empahsiz - pink and flower and oh pink. . Swear CG almost died . Anyhow, time is running, and CG still havent got enough sleep . So for this is the update. And the love game is still off.

entry (17): the freak

You would know this is for you, and by that I would know that we have this common understanding of things unseen.

It is not easy putting things off, yet I left them floating in every corner of my mind. I refer to my "mind" because I do not want to admit that the "beat" is getting faster. I may not be sure of everything but I know there is something between us. So let me be brave in my own comfort zone, in which I tend to write everything that cannot be delivered by word. Maybe I will find myself brave enough someday. Or maybe it is not a matter of being bold; maybe it is for the simple fact that I think, I think I do not know how to love (or even any sentiments related to it) anymore. We would end up like trash. I would rather not risk what little we have of today, for something that both of us cannot commit to in the future. But here you must know, and you should, that I think I like you.

It took me a while to register that, and "no" in case you say to yourself that you have been right all along. No I did not notice you then. No I did not even bother to know you. The truth is that, I do not know anything right now. And it scares me because I know that I have been in a situation like this (one way or another). And I know that it will not take long before my heart melts.

entry (16): soliloquy

while it is true that men - and women alike - have the innate and natural fear of the unknown it is worthy to note on the contrary that we also dread the known predictability of our normal life routines; the patterns that we tread in our existence sometimes appear so sequenced - like beads that would become a necklace - and it scares us and so we do crazy stuffs trying to be unpredictable and yet we fail because nowadays being unpredictable is ironically so predictable...

now this is what i become after finishing two novels, overloading myself with movies and yes, trying to paint

entry (15): american beauty

She told you didn't she?

You were chatting there and you said you are going to watch the movie.

She said it is a pretty heavy movie.

You said you can handle two heavy movies for the night. ...

So you start with "American Beauty" and by the end you just want to take back everything you uttered. You get too "dramatic" and you can't leave it to yourself and you IM her through yahoo. As if that's not enough for the night, you rewind the last part and quoted Kevin Spacey; yes you finally decided to just blog about it. You hope the web of the internet would somehow catch a fragment of whatever it is you are feeling right now - which is by the way really hard to define yet you know you feel it. In fact you know you feel it every time you watch a really great film. Going back to the internet, yes you hope that somehow in all this connectedness - through links and tags and everything about newtworking - you can just purge it out there so that it would not feel so heavy. You've finally decided to suspend the other film.

She was right. It is a pretty heavy film.

“…It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst; and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”
- Lester Burnham

entry (14): whatever happens to Student?

One must say that Student is lucky enough to have a major breakthrough in her life - yes, having been graduated must surely be enough to make Student feel complete (like how they always say it in Centrum adverts).

How exactly is Student doing with her life now?
Is she making the world a better place?
Is she finding true love (no matter how gay it gets)?
Is she helping find a cure for cancer?
Is she out on a "Francis Macomber" like adventure (which is short BUT HAPPY)?

Or maybe...JUST MAYBE... Student is just being a complete bum. A slacker. A complete immobile creature that will soon turn into a potato after consuming a lot of fries for almost a week. Oh yes... graduation is not an amulet that would summon the adult spirit into Student's core.

Surely Student is completely aware of the great damages she inflicts upon herself daily. Thus she will therefore share the series of unfortunate events that take place during summer in her life:

1. Student is shrinking her own brain through activities like:
(a) 15-18 hours exposure in from of the laptop screen late at night thus slowly becoming an internet zombie
(b) consciously and willingly aquiring insomnia...and trying really hard to have it
(c) not eating well (this is a classic lifestyle of Student)

2. Student is slowly morphing into a very big potato. She has this idea once (thanks to her other student friends) that eating potato will enlarge her boobs (talk about wishful thinking), so student ends up commanding her mom to buy fries and Student would never fail to have one serving per day (turining a blind eye on all those grease).

3. Student gets in touch with her prehistoric aura; thus living a lifestye that shouts "CAVEMAN" or yes to be genter sensitive "CAVEWOMAN". Yes, Student does have a unique talent in being stagnant inside her "room-turned-cave". In a week she managed to "fossilized" 2 glasses (one with grape juice and the other contains water), a plater w/ fork which used to contain lasagna, and a cup that has caramelized coffee in it.

4. Lastly, Student is learning a new trick - and that is to talk with inanimate objects. Her range of what we call "communication" runs around her laptop, cellphone, the current novel that she's trying so hard to move a page with ("The Europeans" by Henry James) and her journal notebook. It's not that crazy though, Student sure is having fun.

No one knows exaclty till when would Student keep up with her routines.

entry (13): just like heaven

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

entry (12): packing up is hard to do

having slept the whole daytime of march 31 (blame it on the over extended recognition day) i quickly jumped at my phone when it bleeped and read "kimosh".

there, a text message from soulsiz that says she's gonna be at campus around 2pm. i got excited, the thought of hanging out with the dorks again (as if we haven't seen each other the night before) and getting in touch with "school life" where i can feel normal again. so there was kim and yes my clearance thingy but after all that we went to cool down at zoey where we bumped into ivy and mika. not wanting to go home, soulsiz asked if she can just hang and help me pack things for cdeo, i was of course glad to have her there to keep me company. i couldn't, wouldn't possibly have survived in that place with no one to talk to. the whole realization of leaving iligan grew heavily as i've put clothes into bags, books into boxes and whatever stuffs into plastic/paper bags. soulsiz and i couldn't help but to reminisce and talk about the good old days. touchy i know, but hey i'm leaving, we're all leaving this place, and yes we all know that it's sad to leave those people whom you've gotten used to hanging out with. i mean have you experienced that thing when the ice cream is almost gone and that's when everyone would want to have some? it's like now, i mean i used to hurry and leave for summer before because i know that there will always be the next school year...but now it's different. there will be no "next school year" for us, and even if there is (for those taking masteral) it wouldn't be the same without them, the dork squad. here is the part when i let out a huge sigh.

entry (11): a cold stoic you

i struggle to make a heartless poem for you -
that someday i could put a tune into -
and would sing it to you.

i struggle to add some element of melancholic blue -
that suits your every mood -
and so i pay my due

i owe this poem to you -
and now i'm singing it to you -
i hope it adds up to your blue -
hey i'm just paying you my due.

i struggle to evade the four-lettered word -
that makes you churn -
love gets you bored -
and must i burn?

i struggle to fill these box of notes with pain -
wonder if i'm emotionally sane -
and so i pay my due

i owe this poem to you -
i'll keep singing this to you -
i know it adds up to your blue.

i need to pay a poem for you -
a price that is my due -
for wanting a cold stoic you.

entry (10): graduation blues

i'm graduating (or at least that's what they say and would want to believe). a big YAY! and that goes for my batch that would be wearing their togas this coming april 1.

but why on earth does my heart weigh so heavily upon each day that ends?

i'm infected with the worst case of graduation blues

and reasons why i have this kind of sentimentality:

1. eat-outs with dorks @ zoey/mamee noons/teadt's/wherever-place-that-got-great-food
2. sleep-overs @ ken's appartment (or the queer place)
3. roomies that would be left behind (badang verna veve and hakie-doo)
4. delighful professors and instructors - geez who would have guessed that i'd learn to love them
5. literature courses
6. campus life - overnights, chats, light silly stuff, friends, best friends, dork squad
7. free bisyo place - iligan city - can pretty much smoke, drink, be happy and gay *sigh*
8. allowance - money man

so far these are the things that i would want to bring with me

entry (9): walker

a poem by Alice Walker
taken from the collection "Horses Make a Landscape Look More Beautiful"

when i no longer have your heart

i will not request your body

your presence

or even your polite conversation.

i will go away to a far country

separated from you by the sea

-on which i cannot walk-

and refrain even from sending

letters

describing my pain.

entry (8): surviving the seminar

congratulate yourself, you managed to salvaged that little bit of sanity left.

the walking barrel/cheese/mamistahay sure knows how to execute "torture" and i bet even sydney bristow would give up given the situation. talk about living hell. hmf, i hate "cheese".

anyhow, what about that seminar then? for starters i didn't sleep when i attended. i was staying over ken's place and could not risk it with oversleeping so the next best thing is to stay awake the whole time. thing is, when you don't sleep and attend something like a seminar/lecture/mass/language class, you would likely end up feeling like a zombie. point is, i'd rather be dead. so on went the seminar, with dramas along the way (hi to pixie with that) and tasteless coffee. not to mention the over-puffed-air-stuffed bread with whatever in between.

anyhow, lunch was tolerable. a compensation at least for the "air-conditioning system" that seemed to me back there to be doing the exact opposite of its very purpose. imagine having been told to wear something formal, so on we went with long sleeves and collars only to be "sweated" out in the end. thank g-d i didn't prepared that much, i could've worn a gown for cheese's sake.

the miraculous part is that i managed to stay alive in the end. how i did that , i really don't know. or maybe these things helped a bit:

1. pack of cigarettes
2. crazy classmates that were also bored
3. going out to the bathroom but actually to chat/sit outside/take pictures etc.
4. and yeah, secretly cursing the cheese

bottom line is: sleep before going to a seminar, and no more long sleeves.

Dork Squad Survivor Edition
(Shimberly, Shaith, Ratimah, and Shoey)

entry (7): to ms. grape

connections. they make us alive whenever we feel like dying out of boredom. i have had a good few connections that i've treasured, planted and now grown into something beautiful called "friendship".

for the girl that went through my insomnia and lasted till 3:30am (with the 3 bottles of vodka included, yes i will not disregard that), i salute you.

and of course i thank you. it is seldom that i communicate when i'm at CdeO. i usually fall into this whole solitary caveman syndrome. then you had me talking back there, that was fun. i just wish you can share me some of those bottles.

and if you're reading this, you know this entry is about you ms. grape.

entry (6): fragments of pieces

you collect so many beginnings -

how about making some endings -

i guess stories are all the same -

with their happy ever after -

what a shame -

we've got a real life situation here.

entry (5) : how to die ahead before you age 30

basically we're all gonna die, we don't need any emoscreamo (or edward cullen) to make it obvious for us. my goldfish died with eyes opened when i was 8. it's just it.

funny fact is, we do things that are so draggingly hedious we'd rather wish we were dead on the first place. so before i turn existentialist to all of you living mortals out there, here are tips on

"how to die ahead before you age 30"

1. start a curious case of something, say like THESIS writing (familiar anyone?). yes people, this didn't just top my list for nothing. this is serious poison. first sign of venom shows sleepless nights and preoccupied thoughts of elements like: abstract, chapters 1-5 and the "adviser". so if you really want to go gentle into that dark night, make sure you do #1.

2. whilst doing #1, make it a point to challenge your body's immune system. do activities that are tagged "wild and cool" by peole who say they're "wild and cool". these actiivites (no don't worry, we're not talking of lesson plans) range from:

a. become a frustrated insomniac freak. this makes you feel high and drunk all the time, and if you're lucky, you develop a bobby zimmerman attitude.
b. smoke till you smell like the stick yourself. yes, this will certenly kill.
c. drink coffee like you've never known water exists. you can even brush your teeth with coffee.
d. DO NOT take any proper meal at all. trust me, you don't need that. losers eat, winners puff and sip. it's time to pick a side, which one are you?

3. develop a sense of liking towards children's literature. it helps dry any brain cells you have left just by memorizing the awards, authors and books that are in the children category. the best part is, you get to make a book yourself! (as if you don't have enough from #1)

4. fall in love with a stoic. nothing beats believing in true love for someone who thinks you're just being mushy (no bitterness intended).

5. finally, you might want to consider a mixture of these items, say for example:
mix 1+4 = not being able to graduate due to oozing emo-ness = probably get killed by raging parents; or
mix 1+2(a-d) = having able to graduate = probably die the morning after due to brain/lung cancer, ulcer and any other hard to spell diseases when put into real medical terms.

thus bringing me back to my statement:
we're all gonna die


note:
this is based on a TRUE story...ALMOST

entry (4): i forgot

here's the thing,

i forgot i'm no good

now you're asking "what's up with her? turning emo or something?"

well forgive (stretch that word) me for feeling down sometimes, i just happened to be graduating and i didn't know that it can be this traumatizing. let me translate that in english: our thesis needs redoing!

so now i find myself sporting a huge inflammation of whatever it is in my left eye, awake at 1:37 am and have no plans whatsoever of sleeping, having a cup of coffee that taste like poopie sh-t (quoted from Alice) and down to my last stick of cigarette.

one perfect word for my situation: PATHETIC

entry (3): lost and found

ok CdeO i'm back for you

i take my solitude from here, become a caveman once again in my solitary room

grapple with my thoughts of how things changes greatly since high school

and speaking of high school, hi to all friends and random enemies whose petty fights seem strangely funny now, to all the crocodile and walking barrel teachers, and to the angels of my memory

and to kazumi - one of my bff, not that i have many - i thought i've lost you, i know it's not an everyday news when i told you once that i'm into drinking, smoking and yes, girls. for a moment back there i felt your stare cut a piece of my pride inside, but then again that was just me reading into things too much. you were always the conservative one in the group, and i've alwys been the experemental type, we really are extremes

then you fell for the bastard, oh sorry now i know you don't want us thinking bad of him, but let me just say that. you have learned a great deal by now, i guess when life throws you sh-t all you can do is to fart back, or flush your system with alcohol. that's right, drink to sober up...

now i'm on my way to see you again, we've agreed to leave our judgments and prejudices behind. i've agreed to bring the booze, this ought to be a great day don't you think?

entry (2): a beach day to remember

second time
second time the dorks planned on something
second time we made it happen (stop wondering what the first time was, let's go to the second time...) so where do i begin?

valentines day - blame it on all the hearts floating in the air, we dorks cannot, could not, will not take any of your sentimentalities cupid! - so yes, i was saying, it happened not so long time ago, it happened during the just recently gone by hearts' day, it happened on a saturday afternoon...

that's right, we planned ahead on our beach day, we've had several "meetings" at zoey's (need i mention martin, jean luc, and wally?) and we bought stuff-to-bring at G-mall - thus adding risks to our mortality, had there been another "papaya" then there would be four names put into ashes - but enough with my happy tree friends mode and let's move on to that particular feb. 14...

oh yes, that day...

"9am, at Jollibee tibanga, let's meet there" shouted my memory supported with the dorks' voice, yet i woke up at 10:30am - blame it on the warehouse party - instantly, after checking the time, i felt like crying... try to remember that time you didn't make it to your much awaited field-trip, yes baby, exactly how i felt...

moving on, i didn't give up, and to hell with spending the valentines alone, so i rushed to tibanga, hailed a jeepney, took a seat on the front part and texted the dorks, luckily they were good enough to wait...

so we met, volted in! marched like nazis, crossed the pedetrian, took a seat at the back portion of the rural bus, felt like gradeschool students - or at least in my part i did - and made our way to DON-ARC POBLETE BEACH RESORT

(a last minute snap at the entrance)

after what seemed to be our first bus trip (acting like drunken high teens thus making the other passengers uneasy but wtf right? what do you expect out of 5 english majors? this?: "kim dear, pray tell, how near are we to our destination?"), we unloaded the bus and heard imaginary "hoorays!" and "thank g-d" from our fellow passengers, thus we ignored it and excitedly ran towards the beach, we rented a cottage, laid our stuff, put some music on, ate lunch, went lying on the sarong, took a dip in the sea, played "shark" game with live pig, made a pair of extraordinary huge sand boobs (whatever happened to innocent little sand castles?)

(authentic appreciation of art)

ok now get your eyes away from the boobies, back to my report, well yes, we had fun, and that is just stating the obvious...need i tell more? 'course i will, and so here is a list of things we did and hope to do again:

1. we had BOOZE! that comes with chips btw (just imagine how boring we get to be when drunk)

2. we did KARAOKE and discovered that within every dork is a decaying corpse of a diva covered with hard-bound literary books (and i'm not talking about my diva shimberly and ratimah!)

3. in connection with the KARAOKE movement, we also happened to expose our secret desires for songs such as: ratimah is to "halik", and pheyth is to "nosi balasi" with a little translation like: "yosi! (dead tonsils hanging) yosi balasi! sino? yosi ba sila! (yeah...yeah...)"

4. we also did a last minute pictorial and tried to discover our model-like qualities, which came off naturaly along with the sea


i could go on but really, need i state the obvious again?

we had real fun! and we were singles (or so we like to think...) on that cruel hearts' day yet we laughed our hearts out and lived perfectly well with each other, and it has been awhile since i had such a great time in the beach.

thank you dorks: kim, fatz, joey and to lourd and emily who were with us then.

entry one (1)

first thing's first:

apologize to ratimah rimam, say "mother harlot forgive me for giving birth to this yet-again-futile-blog-account..."

tell her that you wouldn't do it again, that this would be your last "creation"

hey, everybody's liable to get excited over having their first gmail account *blushes*

next agenda:

introduce yourself to the world, tons of crocodiles out to devour your piece of sh-t and the slightest chance that your crush might be reading this (like dream on girl), anyhow, scratch that, start with the basics about yourself, pretty please...

i'm dyslexic, so forgive my misspelled words

i write like hell and i don't care, i'm sure there are worse people out there who do a lot of serious damage to the internet society (curse you pervs!) *relax*

i'm about to graduate but i feel like a last minute disaster will occur (i have prepared a list actually):

a. a car/truck/motorcycle/sikad/kabaw will hit me whilst crossing the road
b. gets drunk and raped and become a balloon for 9 months
c. overdosed with coffee and dies a very nonsense death (not even close to virginia's style)
d. gets bitten by edward cullen and dies

but really i'm decided to graduate
sad though because i will be leaving tons of dorks behind (yes that includes you live pig!)

anyway, feel free to tape portions of myself as i go on developing this page