entry (17): the freak

You would know this is for you, and by that I would know that we have this common understanding of things unseen.

It is not easy putting things off, yet I left them floating in every corner of my mind. I refer to my "mind" because I do not want to admit that the "beat" is getting faster. I may not be sure of everything but I know there is something between us. So let me be brave in my own comfort zone, in which I tend to write everything that cannot be delivered by word. Maybe I will find myself brave enough someday. Or maybe it is not a matter of being bold; maybe it is for the simple fact that I think, I think I do not know how to love (or even any sentiments related to it) anymore. We would end up like trash. I would rather not risk what little we have of today, for something that both of us cannot commit to in the future. But here you must know, and you should, that I think I like you.

It took me a while to register that, and "no" in case you say to yourself that you have been right all along. No I did not notice you then. No I did not even bother to know you. The truth is that, I do not know anything right now. And it scares me because I know that I have been in a situation like this (one way or another). And I know that it will not take long before my heart melts.

entry (16): soliloquy

while it is true that men - and women alike - have the innate and natural fear of the unknown it is worthy to note on the contrary that we also dread the known predictability of our normal life routines; the patterns that we tread in our existence sometimes appear so sequenced - like beads that would become a necklace - and it scares us and so we do crazy stuffs trying to be unpredictable and yet we fail because nowadays being unpredictable is ironically so predictable...

now this is what i become after finishing two novels, overloading myself with movies and yes, trying to paint

entry (15): american beauty

She told you didn't she?

You were chatting there and you said you are going to watch the movie.

She said it is a pretty heavy movie.

You said you can handle two heavy movies for the night. ...

So you start with "American Beauty" and by the end you just want to take back everything you uttered. You get too "dramatic" and you can't leave it to yourself and you IM her through yahoo. As if that's not enough for the night, you rewind the last part and quoted Kevin Spacey; yes you finally decided to just blog about it. You hope the web of the internet would somehow catch a fragment of whatever it is you are feeling right now - which is by the way really hard to define yet you know you feel it. In fact you know you feel it every time you watch a really great film. Going back to the internet, yes you hope that somehow in all this connectedness - through links and tags and everything about newtworking - you can just purge it out there so that it would not feel so heavy. You've finally decided to suspend the other film.

She was right. It is a pretty heavy film.

“…It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst; and then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”
- Lester Burnham

entry (14): whatever happens to Student?

One must say that Student is lucky enough to have a major breakthrough in her life - yes, having been graduated must surely be enough to make Student feel complete (like how they always say it in Centrum adverts).

How exactly is Student doing with her life now?
Is she making the world a better place?
Is she finding true love (no matter how gay it gets)?
Is she helping find a cure for cancer?
Is she out on a "Francis Macomber" like adventure (which is short BUT HAPPY)?

Or maybe...JUST MAYBE... Student is just being a complete bum. A slacker. A complete immobile creature that will soon turn into a potato after consuming a lot of fries for almost a week. Oh yes... graduation is not an amulet that would summon the adult spirit into Student's core.

Surely Student is completely aware of the great damages she inflicts upon herself daily. Thus she will therefore share the series of unfortunate events that take place during summer in her life:

1. Student is shrinking her own brain through activities like:
(a) 15-18 hours exposure in from of the laptop screen late at night thus slowly becoming an internet zombie
(b) consciously and willingly aquiring insomnia...and trying really hard to have it
(c) not eating well (this is a classic lifestyle of Student)

2. Student is slowly morphing into a very big potato. She has this idea once (thanks to her other student friends) that eating potato will enlarge her boobs (talk about wishful thinking), so student ends up commanding her mom to buy fries and Student would never fail to have one serving per day (turining a blind eye on all those grease).

3. Student gets in touch with her prehistoric aura; thus living a lifestye that shouts "CAVEMAN" or yes to be genter sensitive "CAVEWOMAN". Yes, Student does have a unique talent in being stagnant inside her "room-turned-cave". In a week she managed to "fossilized" 2 glasses (one with grape juice and the other contains water), a plater w/ fork which used to contain lasagna, and a cup that has caramelized coffee in it.

4. Lastly, Student is learning a new trick - and that is to talk with inanimate objects. Her range of what we call "communication" runs around her laptop, cellphone, the current novel that she's trying so hard to move a page with ("The Europeans" by Henry James) and her journal notebook. It's not that crazy though, Student sure is having fun.

No one knows exaclty till when would Student keep up with her routines.

entry (13): just like heaven

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

entry (12): packing up is hard to do

having slept the whole daytime of march 31 (blame it on the over extended recognition day) i quickly jumped at my phone when it bleeped and read "kimosh".

there, a text message from soulsiz that says she's gonna be at campus around 2pm. i got excited, the thought of hanging out with the dorks again (as if we haven't seen each other the night before) and getting in touch with "school life" where i can feel normal again. so there was kim and yes my clearance thingy but after all that we went to cool down at zoey where we bumped into ivy and mika. not wanting to go home, soulsiz asked if she can just hang and help me pack things for cdeo, i was of course glad to have her there to keep me company. i couldn't, wouldn't possibly have survived in that place with no one to talk to. the whole realization of leaving iligan grew heavily as i've put clothes into bags, books into boxes and whatever stuffs into plastic/paper bags. soulsiz and i couldn't help but to reminisce and talk about the good old days. touchy i know, but hey i'm leaving, we're all leaving this place, and yes we all know that it's sad to leave those people whom you've gotten used to hanging out with. i mean have you experienced that thing when the ice cream is almost gone and that's when everyone would want to have some? it's like now, i mean i used to hurry and leave for summer before because i know that there will always be the next school year...but now it's different. there will be no "next school year" for us, and even if there is (for those taking masteral) it wouldn't be the same without them, the dork squad. here is the part when i let out a huge sigh.

entry (11): a cold stoic you

i struggle to make a heartless poem for you -
that someday i could put a tune into -
and would sing it to you.

i struggle to add some element of melancholic blue -
that suits your every mood -
and so i pay my due

i owe this poem to you -
and now i'm singing it to you -
i hope it adds up to your blue -
hey i'm just paying you my due.

i struggle to evade the four-lettered word -
that makes you churn -
love gets you bored -
and must i burn?

i struggle to fill these box of notes with pain -
wonder if i'm emotionally sane -
and so i pay my due

i owe this poem to you -
i'll keep singing this to you -
i know it adds up to your blue.

i need to pay a poem for you -
a price that is my due -
for wanting a cold stoic you.